


Nido to modoranai story (A story that will never repeat itself)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: When Hikaru had left, he had taken everything away. He had taken away his stuff, he had taken away the memories of him... he had taken away every single thing keeping him bound to that apartment.And to him.





	Nido to modoranai story (A story that will never repeat itself)

**_A stranger waits_ **

**_while he defends a love that doesn’t fade._ **

**_[White  X’mas, KAT-TUN]_ **

****

Yuya had woken up alone in bed, that morning.

Like the morning before, and the one before that.

It was something he was sure he was never going to get used to.

When Hikaru had left, he had taken everything away. He had taken away his stuff, he had taken away the memories of him... he had taken away every single thing keeping him bound to that apartment.

And to him.

He couldn’t think about anything but his back the moment he had left that house, how much he had hoped he was going to turn around, come back.

But he hadn't, and Yuya hadn't stopped him.

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks, and he still hoped to come back home at night and finding him on the couch watching TV, hearing him come back from work at the most absurd times. Waking up in the morning, like right now, and seeing him sleep next to him, hugging his pillow with his mouth open, his breathing heavy.

Yuya wanted it all back. And he knew he wasn’t going to get it, and that it would've been only his fault because he had pushed it too far, because he had ignored the signals telling him that things were never going to be okay with them.

He had forsaken his own pride for him.

He had let him walk all over him, aware of what he was doing.

And what made him feel even worse, was thinking that if Hikaru had come back to him, he would've let him do that all over again.

He had started this, and now all he could do was regret everything that had happened.

 

_They were just talking._

_They were sitting on the couch at Hikaru’s place, and the younger was talking about the shootings for the YY Jumping new episode._

_Yuya was listening closely to him, careful not to miss one detail of his face, not a detail of his expression._

_He had known him for too long now, and he had learnt to read beyond his words._

_He had learnt to catch the nuances of his voice, especially when he talked about_ him _._

_From time to time, he wished he didn’t notice. He wished he could’ve pretended just that, keep listening to him without being assailed by the thought that all Hikaru told him was full of subtexts._

_Subtexts that were always about Yabu._

_What Yabu did, that Yabu said, what Yabu thought._

_He was in all of Hikaru’s words, and he was tired of hearing him talk about him, without Hikaru even admitting he was in love with him._

_Not that he blamed him._

_They shared the same sin of cowardice preventing them to talk about the love they felt._

_The only difference, the crucial one for Yuya, was that their love had opposite directions, and were destined to never meet._

_That had been the day he had caved._

_That had been the day when Hikaru’s look had led him to say something more, it had been seeing him so damn sad about that love, it had been hearing Kota’s name said with so much bitterness that had led him to believe it was the right moment._

_Or maybe he was just tired, and he had chosen to see signals where there were none, not for him._

_“Hikaru.” he had interrupted him while the other was talking about something that, he had to admit, he wasn’t listening to._

_“What is it?” the other had asked, raising an eyebrow._

_“Stop, please.” he had murmured, clenching his fists on the couch’s fabric, trying not to scream._

_He had had it._

_“To do what?” Yaotome looked confused and vaguely defensive._

_Takaki had gotten up from the couch, heading to the open window, as if he lacked air to breathe._

_“Stop thinking about him. Stop believing that the world spins around him. Stop thinking that there’s no option for you, that there’s only Yabu, that you had no choice but to look at his happiness, because_ you’re not _a part of that happiness, Hikka.” he said, determined, speaking all those things he had kept to himself for all those years._

_The younger had gotten close to him, and even though Yuya wasn’t looking at him, from his breathing suddenly gotten heavy he felt his nervousness... almost panic, he would've said._

_He didn’t deny it, and he was grateful to him for that._

_“What do you know, Yuya? What do you know of what I feel for Kota? What do you know about how much it hurts every time I see him, every time he smiles and I know it’s not because of me, every time he’s with Kei and I realize I’m not a part of their happiness? What could you possibly know?” he had replied, angry._

_He had turned, feeling no pity for him, and had looked tiredly at him._

_“I can take Yabu’s place, if you’ll give me the chance.” he had murmured, the last wall around his feelings for him finally crumbling down._

_He didn’t feel better and he didn’t feel worse, after that sentence, which had in itself an admission._

_For sure, he felt lighter._

_Hikaru had opened his eyes wide. Seconds had gone by, then minutes._

_But Yuya was in no rush. He had been waiting far too long to be impatient now._

_In the end, the younger had decided to answer._

_“I’m scared I’ll hurt you, Yuya. You said it yourself, I’m... I'm in love with Kota. And I’ve always been. I don’t know if I can learn how to love someone else.” he had whispered in the end, without looking him in the eyes._

_Yuya knew he should’ve taken a step back._

_That he should’ve tried to protect himself somehow, trying to avoid suffering more than he already was._

_But looking at Hikaru’s face, he couldn’t bring himself to do it._

_“I’m taking full responsibility over it.”_

**_I’ve smiled to you that night_ **

**_but tears can’t stop even now_ **

**_even though I’ll love you forever... why?_ **

****

Yuya remembered he had smiled to Hikaru, to have told him everything was going to be alright, that he would've done anything for him, to make the love he felt for Yabu become a memory.

And now he knew he had been wrong.

Because he should’ve thought about the consequences, he should’ve imagined that he wasn’t going to be able to uproot a love that had reached so deep inside Hikaru’s heart.

He should’ve known that the younger cared for him, but that he was never going to love him just because it was the easier choice, the one that would've hurt him the least.

At work he tried to be with him the least he could, he tried not to look at him, not to talk to him if he could avoid it.

Those rare times their eyes met, he wasn’t able to understand what was in Hikaru’s.

Sadness, maybe, but he didn’t know why.

It was like, their relationship ended, he had lost the faculty to understand him, and it was something that hurt more than he would've imagined.

He got back home after those days with the younger’s eyes still in his mind, unable to leave them out, tormenting him, preventing him to not think about him.

Not that he made much of an effort.

He had stopped getting out except for when work forced him to, he had started turning down all the others asking him to go and grab something to drink, ignoring his mother’s requests to go to Osaka when he had some free time.

He didn’t feel like doing any of those things.

He wanted to be home, alone, wallowing in the pieces of his relationship with Hikaru, focusing on what had gone wrong, on that love that had never been there.

Crying, because Hikaru had hurt him and he had let himself being hurt, and still he couldn’t stop loving him.

A thousand times he had felt the desire, the _need_ to pick up the phone and call him, even just to hear his voice.

And every time he had forbidden that to himself, and not for that dignity he didn’t have anymore, but because he knew that he had nothing to tell him that would've made a difference.

Hikaru had left, and he wasn’t coming back.

Yuya had risked for that love he felt. He had put all of himself into it, telling himself that if things wouldn’t have gone down the way he had hoped he would've been able to go back to the way it was, to be without him, because years had made him grow accustomed to his absence.

But he had always lied.

He couldn’t go back, because now he knew what it meant to be with him, to have the right to kiss him, touch him and be touched, to love him without having to hide.

Things were never going to be back to what they were.

Because that love wasn’t the same either, because it was like by leaving Hikaru had given that back to him after having ruined it, corrupted it, making it unrecognizable to his eyes.

And despite all of this, Yuya still couldn’t let him go.

 

_He had gotten back home in a good mood._

_He had had dinner with Kei and Daiki, and he had had a good time. He liked to spend some time with them, without having to think about anything else, spending hours even talking about nothing._

_He had stepped inside with a smile on his face._

_Smile that had died down the moment he had gotten to the living room, and had found Hikaru sitting on the armrest of the armchair._

_He had his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands._

_His face was empty. He wasn’t sad, nor angry._

_Yuya had held his breath, taking a step forward to enter into his field of vision._

_And then he had seen the suitcase._

_It was near the wall; he let his eyes wander throughout the room, and he saw some changes._

_Hikaru’s comics weren’t on the shelves anymore._

_His jackets and scarves, usually hanging messily on the coat hanger had disappeared._

_He couldn’t see anything belonging to him inside that room._

_And, he was sure, it was the same in the rest of the house._

_He had gotten closer, feeling his eyes starting to water._

_The younger had raised his eyes on him, but it was like they went right through him, without really managing to see him._

_He had gotten up and walked toward him. He had held out a hand toward him, but then had taken that back as soon as he had seen the hard look on the elder’s face._

_“What’s going on, Hikka?” Yuya had asked, pretending everything was fine, despite the appearances._

_The other had bit down on his lip, then he had looked him in the eyes._

_And Yuya knew it was over._

_“I can’t, Yuya. I can’t go on, pretending everything’s fine.” he had paused and taken a deep breath. “You’ve said you would've taken full responsibility, and I had warned you about the fact that I was going to hurt you. And now... I wish I didn’t have to, but I have.” Yuya had noticed tears starting to form at the corners of his eyes, and had stopped him._

_“It’s... it’s not necessary, Hikaru. I know what I’ve told you, I know you had warned me, and still I’ve decided to be with you. But...” he wanted to go on. There was a hundred more things he wanted to tell him._

_That he needed to have him close._

_That he wanted to keep pretending to be loved._

_That in time, maybe, things would've been better, even though time had gone by and it had all stayed the same for Hikaru._

_He wanted to tell him so many things, and he told him none of that._

_He just kept still in front of him, reading the compassion in his eyes, for the first time almost hating him for what he was going to him._

_Even though it wasn’t fair to hate him, not when he had been the one begging for a love he was never going to feel._

_Hikaru had put a hand on his shoulder, gently, as if he feared of hurting him more than he already was._

_“I’ve tried, Yuya. I’ve tried to be with you and tell myself I would've learnt to love you. And I’ve been happy, I swear, for every single moment I’ve spent with you. Because you’ve made me feel like I’ve never felt before in my life. But... this doesn’t change anything. I can’t love you, and it’s not because I don’t want to, but just because I can’t... go on.” he had murmured, his voice steady despite the tears that had started running down his face._

_“You can’t avoid thinking about him, can you?” Yuya had asked, desperately._

_He didn’t want to know the answer to that question._

_He didn’t want to hear it was just like that._

_He didn’t want to, and yet he kept looking at Hikaru while the younger hesitated and then nodded._

_He felt something breaking inside._

_He saw him moving his hand away, and rushed to grab his wrist._

_“Don’t leave.” he had whispered, with the clear perception of his pride being walked on for yet another time._

_Hikaru wiggled out of his hold, almost tenderly, looking sad._

_“I’m sorry, Yuya.” he had murmured, before leaving._

_Before turning his back on him, that back that was going to be eternally burned into Yuya’s memory._

_Because it was like there was nothing else worth being remembered._

**_I’ve walked aimlessly searching for a dream and a hope._ **

**_I stare at the sky, but it’s too high._ **

**_Even though I could, why can’t I grasp it?_ **

****

It had been a month before he had started feeling like a human being again.

His eyes had stopped being constantly circled by deep shadows, his head had stopped hurting all the time because he cried himself to sleep every night.

Slowly, he had started living again.

But that life, gotten back so slowly, still dragged with itself the remnants of what Hikaru’s presence had done to it.

And he wasn’t deluding himself, they were never going to disappear completely, like the scar of a cut too deep and poorly treated.

That morning, after the shootings, he had seen the younger get close to him, asking him to wait for him.

He had stayed in the dressing room, waiting for all the others to leave, and once they were left alone he had felt his heart starting to beat too fast.

It hadn't happened in a while and, no matter how wrong it was, he was glad about that little thing, that sign that his heart was still able to react to something.

He had faced Hikaru wearing the best mask of his indifference, still knowing that he wasn’t going to be tricked by it.

“How are you doing, Yuya?” he murmured, frowning.

The elder had looked at him, arching an eyebrow and shrugging.

“I’m doing like I'm doing. Not good nor bad. I suppose...” he sighed. “I suppose it’s going to take some time.” he said, suddenly wishing that that conversation wasn’t going to go on too long, not sure of how long the mask was going to last.

The younger nodded.

“I’m sorry about what’s happened. I wanted to call you, but... I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me. I’ve thought it was better to keep some distance, until you’d have felt better.” he added, like he felt the need of justifying himself.

Yuya managed to smile to him.

“I wanted to hear from you. But it would've just made things worse. Even just seeing you at work hadn't been easy.” he replied, minimizing what he had felt every single time he had been forced to look at him, knowing there was nothing he could do to reach him, not anymore.

“It hasn’t been easy for me either, Yuuyan.” Hikaru said, hinting a smile that the elder wanted to erase from his face.

He knew it hadn't been easy on him either.

He knew Hikaru was in pain.

But he could pity his suffering, not like he had once done.

Because he knew he was back suffering for Yabu, as if what there had been between them had been an unimportant break.

He knew Hikaru was going to miss their friendship, that was never going to be what it had been once, but he was never going to regret having left his home that night, having left Yuya behind, alongside what their life together had been.

Those were all thoughts hurting him, but he still couldn’t hate him, nor go on.

He looked at him, with that stretched smile, and he thought about how much he had loved his smiles, how many times he had dreamt about them, how often he had desired being the reason behind them.

He had had him close, so much to touch him, hold him and keep him there forever, but somehow that hold had loosened, and he had been left alone hugging a ghost.

He shrugged.

It was pointless to argue now, because he was sure they weren’t going to understand each other.

Yuya spoke of the love he felt for him and Hikaru spoke of the love he felt for Yabu.

As if they were two different languages, two roads running at the same speed, one behind the other, without a chance to ever cross their paths.

“Now I have to go, it’s gotten late. I...” he paused, unsure as to how go on. “I’m glad we’re taking again, Hikaru.” he said, forcing himself to say those words.

Then the younger got up, and instinctively hugged him.

He patiently waited for it to be over, then he rushed out the room.

Once outside he breathed in deeply, as if he needed fresh air.

As if Hikaru’s presence and that hug had done nothing but intoxicate him all over again, now that he was starting to feel better.

He was condemned, and he knew that.

Condemned once again to pretend everything was fine.

Condemned to his presence, once again close but not like he would've wanted.

Again prey to that love that was never going to abandon him, that he was never getting rid of.

He wished he had a chance to choose.

Choose to love someone else, choose not to let Hikaru matter, choose a road that would've made him happy.

But he and Hikaru were the same: they would've kept being subjected to that fate, because it wasn’t written for them to be happy.

And the only thing that trying to love each other had changed, was that before they had a chance to be unhappy together, while now they were alone.

 


End file.
